Takers

“Sometimes you have to block access to people, Mack. They’re takers. It’s all they’ve ever been. It’s all they’ve ever known. It’s all they’ll ever be. They play the victim card expertly, and if you have a big heart for helping others, you’ll get sucked in. Before you know it, you’ve been taken advantage of. That’s why they’re called ‘takers’.” My friend stopped talking and looked at me compassionately. “It’s happened to me, too.”

What do Takers take?

1. Time. Takers unashamedly, unabashedly take your time as their own. Whatever you give won’t be enough, and most won’t remember to say ‘thank you’ unless prompted. Even as you leave boundary lines in the dust and they become distant memories, you will feel compelled to postpone or cancel other engagements or appointments to satisfy the needs or desires of the Takers. You will discover your backbone at some point, but not until you’ve done considerable damage to your work schedule, social calendar, and loved ones.
2. Attention. It won’t be enough that you are pouring your time into their schedules. You will also have to be paying attention to them. It is vital that you bear in mind that this is not friendship, where attention is a two-way street. No! Takers expect you to listen to their litanies of woe repeatedly on end, but as soon as you try to open up in the expectation that you’ve made a friend who will reciprocate the process for you and offer you affirmation in similar circumstances, the Taker will repeat his or her litany or remind you how difficult life is and the importance of not telling everyone about your struggles.
3. Resources. Takers will latch onto any resources you have available and make them theirs. This includes your money. If they can convince you that they have legitimate financial crises facing them to the point that you will send them money via an app, especially without obtaining some expectation of repayment, congratulations! You’ve just been scammed by someone you know. You don’t need telephone calls from the auto warranty people or Nigerian princes calling you, because a Taker has accomplished more than those losers ever could. If you have a car, the Taker will get rides whenever possible, even if he/she has a vehicle. If you have any kind of resource at all that will save the Takers money or time, count on being asked for it, guilted into it, and kicking yourself afterward.

Who are these ‘Takers’? These Takers are people that you want to help or have helped in the past. You know them from work, school, social events or programs, or what-have-you. Most Takers are charming people, or they have a heart-breaking story to tell of dysfunctional upbringing, broken marriage, or disastrous life experiences.

If you have a heart to help others, falling into the clutches of Takers may happen more than once. Some Takers masquerade as friends, which makes their betrayal more insidious. When you discover that they were really just using you for what they could get from you, the pain runs much deeper.

As you probably guessed, I’ve encountered some Takers in my life. Some longer ago, and others recently. One common trait I’ve observed in two Takers has been the utter inability to show sympathy or empathy without immediately launching into their oft-repeated litany of woes when I’ve tried to bare my heart to them due to emotional pain I’ve experienced. I was thinking I was chatting with a friend, but like ice water to a sleeping face, I was shocked to discover I was just supposed to sit there and affirm this Taker reciting his litany of worn-out woes that I’d heard no less than a dozen times in less than a month. No, this wasn’t friendship at all. It was bloodsucking vampirism.

Is it any wonder that men–or women– have a difficult time breaking the lock off their emotions and sharing them, when this is so often the result??